It all hits me harder…

January 24th, 2006

It all hits me harder…

I was sitting in our Team PEACE meeting with the Springhill Lake ES teachers yesterday and we were talking about including paper crane making in one of our lesson plans and I just had to bite my tongue. I wanted to say so much- we made 1000 paper cranes on the ship for our arrival in Kobe, I actually went to Hiroshima and saw the paper cranes sent to them being displayed in glass cases in the Memorial Park, in the Hiroshima museum they had a large section of it devoted to Sadako and her story, etc. But then I realized that 1) it didn’t really add anything to our presentation and 2) I have to stop doing this. Same thing when we were talking about apartheid. I really had nothing constructive to add to the conversation yet I still had this urge to tell everyone about how Archbishop Desmond Tutu was on our ship and how they still have townships and about the District Six Museum, etc.

January 25th, 2006

First day of classes. What a strange feeling. Randomly I will see someone who resembles someone from the ship and I’ll have to look twice. Haha. I guess all of you who have been back at school for awhile are over this but cut me some slack, it’s my first day. 🙂 I am not at all looking forward to having class every day, 5 days a week, 15 weeks every semester. I need A Days, B Days and 5 day weekends in different countries. Ok fine, I really have to get over this and devote myself to doing well this semester because I know it’s going to be hard.

January 30th, 2006

It’s weird not carrying my laptop around all the time to jot down my thoughts as they come to me. It’s the first full week of school now and I guess I’m slowly ( VERY slowly, mind you) getting back into study mode…even though I really don’t want to. This weekend I called my parents while they were in NJ visiting all my family and my mom said they were all watching my movie. I can’t even describe how happy that made me. I wasn’t even there to force them to watch it, they actually wanted to watch it. What a strange concept. Now that I think about it, maybe I made the movie more for myself. Or maybe I’m just saying that because I thought more people would want to watch it and in reality, they don’t. Haha, oh well! I’ll just make my parents watch it again. 🙂

So Parth and I were talking today about how this world we live in conditions us to believe that if we’re not stressed out all the time we’re not really accomplishing anything. Relaxing isn’t really an option. It’s unfortunate. My problem is I don’t really get too stressed out, I just over exert myself to the point of exhaustion and I’m usually really high-strung so I have a hard time sleeping. Hence, the exhaustion and lack of concentration. It’s a vicious cycle. I shouldn’t be complaining because my workload is nothing compared to pre-med people who are preparing for the MCAT’s or what not but I believe it’s your own personal work ethic that affects you the most. I have terrible time management skills and there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish what I want to. Prioritizing is key and I’m not good at that either. The worst feeling in the world for me is to have things pending or to have assignments looming over my head. Not just for school but for everything. I hate having deadlines and knowing that I have to finish something by a certain time that is far from feasible. That’s why I had such an amazing winter break. Spring semester hadn’t started yet so I had no school work to worry about and I had just come back from Semester at Sea so that was done with as well. Oh man, I miss the ship so much. I read Jed’s list of things that he missed and it almost had me in tears. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be satisfied with my old life? All I can think about now is finding more ways to travel. The worst part is that when I look in the mirror I don’t see the same person I was on the ship. Something about SAS just made me so excited about life and I actually looked forward to waking up every day. Now that I’m home and back in the same old routine I pretty much know how each day is going to pan out. I was in my element on SAS- being outgoing, extroverted, and learning more than I ever expected about myself, the people around me, and the world we live in. Now what am I? I feel boring. And then I feel stupid for missing SAS so much and I feel ungrateful for all that I have here- wonderful family, amazing friends, a comfortable lifestyle. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have? I’ve had a taste of adventure, of freedom, of independence and I’m having a hard time putting it behind me. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s pretending. Sometimes I feel like I’m just putting on a show. Poonam and Preethi were right, I keep so much inside and I’m adept at changing the subject when it’s something I don’t want to talk about. What’s worse though- pretending to be happy or actually acting unhappy and portraying that to other people? Maybe if I pretend, I’ll fool myself into believing it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be back home but now I want more than “happy”. Perhaps my standards have changed. Well it’s 2:30 am and I have work at 9am so I guess I should go to sleep. It’s funny how I try not to write about SAS but somehow I just come back to it.

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